Like most girls, I’ve silently debated — even while single — whether I’d one day take my husband’s last name. I like my maiden name, Griffin — to me, it feels strong, memorable, and representative of who I am. At times, it’s hard for me to imagine inheriting someone else’s surname — like wearing clothes that don’t quite fit. Yet, the thought of whose last name my children would have has never once fluttered into my mind. Like Molly Caro May mentions in her article, What Happened When We Gave Our Daughter My Last Name, I’d always assumed that using my future husband’s last name for our children was a “given.”
May’s article is an eloquent and interesting account of the reactions she received after telling her friends and family that her child would bear her surname rather than her husband’s. Some mentioned that she’d be screwing with historical lineages, while others complained that their own husbands “would never let that shit fly.” In May’s words, “People might say these are small peanuts, but language is never small. Language shapes how we view things before we even know we are viewing them. How we name something determines how we value it. If women’s last names are consistently absent from history, never passed down, then where is their—our—value?”
Ultimately, May argues that a child’s last name should be a conversation rather than a given, and that if one day, more children used their mother’s last names, it would create a monumental impact on our social unconscious. I’m not sure what I’d decide in this situation, but I thought this article was fascinating and well-written and I couldn’t help but share!
What do you think about women giving their children their own last name? Would you do it?
Read the full article: What Happened When We Gave Our Daughter My Last Name.
Photo via arileu
My sister has my dad’s last name, and I have my mom’s. When I was born, my mom said “well hey, we have two girls. One can carry your heritage and one can carry mine.” It is a little awkward at times when my teachers address my dad by the wrong name (also hilarious though) and sometimes I feel a little defensive of having to explain that my sister and I have the same parents, but it’s always a fun fact/conversation starter during first-day-of-class activities 🙂 All in all, I’m really glad that my parents went this route!
http://www.perpetuallycaroline.com
Whoa, how cool! That does sound a little complicated, but good to hear you think it’s for the best. That makes it very equal that it’s two girls with each of your parents last names. I might just do that for my future kids one day.
Very interesting to hear that, Caroline! I like that your parents split it up. Also glad to hear that you’ve had a positive experience with that!
I’ve never actually thought about it before like this. I guess, based on tradition, I took my husbands name so ultimately, our daughter took it too. I guess my thoughts are that you children take you same last name to feel like a unit; a family unit. Does that make sense?
Alycia// mitchalycia.blogspot.ca
Totally makes sense! I think I feel similarly about wanting my kids/husband to all of the same name in order to feel like one unit, too.
In Mexico it’s very common to carry both the mother and fathers last name. Here in the US I only use one for school and work, but legally I have both my mom and dad’s last names. When I first got engaged I started thinking about how much I love my own last name and how I probably wouldn’t change it…but now that we’re getting closer to actually getting married, I’m convinced I’ll take his last name because we’re forming our own family and there’s something really special in knowing that we’ll be legally “one” person. We’ll be giving our kids both his and my last name to keep the tradition going, but also so they know the value in my surname as well.
considering I don’t like my maiden name, I wouldn’t burden my child with it.
I actually have my mother’s maiden name… except she gave it to me as my first name. In fact, when I read the title of this post, I initially thought ‘of course, last names as first names are awesome!’ Then, I read it and thought… of course! I have many friends who were either unmarried or already had established careers with their maiden name and it wasn’t a question of what their child’s last name would be. In today’s age of same-sex parents / single parents / women as the breadwinners of the marriage, I think it is silly automatically go with the traditional way of naming. Definitely should be a conversation to have (preferably before the baby arrives) 😉
I read this article earlier today and have been considering it since. It’s very well written, as you said. I like that the author considers her own choices, but doesn’t disapprove or judge others. My boyfriend and aren’t very traditional and although we have talked about me possibly keeping my maiden name when we get married, baby last names didn’t come up. I do like what the author said about it having an impact on our society’s unconscious.
LOVE love love this idea. I’m not married and no kiddos to worry about this yet. I do have a friend who married an Italian, and it’s custom to keep your own last name. When kiddos came along, they took the dad’s last name. But the first son is named Ross (the mom’s maiden name). I like that little balance and scenario…
I like that balance, too! Maybe I can name a future son Griffin. 🙂
I had a friend growing up whose parents were two doctors, and her mom used her maiden name – they traded off names, so one sibling would have the father’s name, one the mother’s. There were four of them so it evened out.
In my family, we’re a little more traditional, but we give family names as first or middle names. I’m named for a favorite aunt in the family and my middle name comes from my grandmother. If/when my husband and I have kids, there are a lot of family names floating around that we’d like to see continue that way, although we have names we like for other reasons.
Interesting! Thanks for sharing, KC. I think we have a kind of similar tradition — I know that my middle name is the same as my Aunt and Great Grandmother’s.
I think this is such a wonderful idea. I’m traditional in most ways – husband asks dad for daughter’s hand, things by the book, wedding traditions, etc. – but I never considered this. I don’t think I would solely give them my maiden name (I mean they ARE my husband’s children, too). I would either do the hyphenation thing or just use my maiden name as a middle name. It’s just too long otherwise!
~ Samantha
My mom was not married to my dad when I was born and in my head a kid I thought my moms maiden name was way cooler than her married name/my last name and I was always asking about it. My mom was like Bailie there are way bigger issues than your last name so just go do your homework. Then when I was getting married myself and chose to take on Fredriks last name I could see how my mom was trying to create that separate family unit from the one she grew up with and appreciated her choice. With us being an international couple having the same last name makes life and visa paperwork so much easier too!
Ahh I can totally understand yours and your mom’s thought processes. And that’s interesting to hear how it’s useful as an international couple — I can definitely see that now but hadn’t thought of it!
Great article, thanks for sharing Mel. I’ve also though about this, since my name is a pretty complicated one: Kuliszkiewicz (Polish). I’ve had trouble with this name my whole life, growing up in English- and German-speaking countries. I remember even my kindergarten teacher telling me “oh, you need to marry a Mr. Smith one day!” haha….BUT, as annoying as my name can be, I can’t imagine having a different last name. It’s a part of me, 100%. I guess we’ll see what the future holds 😉
Firstly congrats on your blog. I only discovered your blog today and love it! I wish I have found it earlier. On the topic, when I got married to my Brazilian husband (I’m South African) I kept my last name and took his. So I have a super long name now, which I don’t mind and love. I guess it’s a way of keeping my heritage. We are also planning to give our future children both last names. It’s quite common in Brazil to give the children just the mother’s maiden name or keep your maiden name. In South Africa it’s the opposite, it’s common to take your husband’s last name and give it to your children, at least as an Afrikaans or English South African, I’m not sure about the other cultures, we have such a diverse country.
Thank you for sharing, Michaela! That’s really interesting to hear that it’s common in Brazil for kids to take their mother’s last name. Do you know why this might be? Is there something in Brazilian culture that would account for that? In the US, it’s the same as it is in South Africa — very common for kids to use their father’s last name.
I loved that article, and The Hairpin. I’ve been married for a few years now and still have not taken my husband’s name. It’s mostly because I’m lazy and don’t want to have to go through the hassle. The other part of me is happy to keep my name. I do get the occasional mention from my family, but they are just going to have to deal with it. When we have children, I will more than likely add his to mine with a hyphen, and our children will have a hyphenated name. It flows nicely, and I am proud of my surname- I don’t want to lose it.
I’ve honestly considered it — or hyphenating — when that time comes. My brother and one other male cousin on my father’s side are the only two grandsons out of 11 total. My cousin already has a grown daughter, so that line has ended as she’s about to marry and take her fiancé’s last name. My brother has the weight of carrying on the family name on his shoulders (he’s younger than me) and we’re the only two grandkids without kids of our own. My family history is important to me and I don’t want to see the line possibly end at my brother if he doesn’t have a son of his own.
Very interesting! I hadn’t really considered the fact that this would mean a daughter now has the chance to carry on her family’s name, but that would be really neat!
I really, really, REALLY want my children if I have them, to have my surname. I have already decided that I will not change my surname when I marry. Why should I? I love my name! I’ve felt this way since a spotty teenager. I’ve been having the conversation with my partner about our future children’s surnames and he is pretty adamant that he wants them to have his surname, but after reading Mollys article, I’ll be having a second chat with him – I’m thinking if their are boys they can have his surname and this girls mine or vice versa!
It’s funny I’ve never even thought about it. And I’m angry at myself for not having considered it. I have always thought of using both names though. My mom was always adamant that we bear her name as well as my dad’s (she also kept her maiden name) and I’m happy of the heritage it brings me (even though my name is very long!) and I would never consider abiding to the patriarchal expectations to give solely the mans’ last name….but now this post is making me think!
I gave my first daughter my maiden name because I had just divorced her father at 9 months pregnant. Long story short, he didn’t want the responsibility after discharging the army and just left me at my mothers house and never returned. 11 years later, she still has my maiden name BUT her father is back in her life like I had prayed for.
Sorry for that “personal” comment.
No need for apologies. 🙂 I appreciate you sharing you story and I think it makes a whole lot of sense that you gave her your maiden name.
Thank you 🙂
I have thought about this a lot too. Both whether I would want to take my husbands name and about our children’s last time as well. Here in Paraguay it is common for children to use both of their parents last names, which I like because it shows that both parents are equally important in the child’s life.
Just as I took my husband’s last name when we married, our children will have his last name. We are one now. We are a family unit, and for me, I feel like it would be almost disrespectful to give them my maiden name.
Besides if you could choose between Cockroft and Holmes, which would you pick? Ha
I have heard of some people giving their maiden names as a first name for their child. My mom’s cousin named her daughter Ramsey, which is so cute. And special. But I don’t think this works for my maiden name 🙂
Posted a comment but Disqus failed me. . .I pretty much never thought I would change my last name, but like you, I always took it as a given that any future children would have my husband’s name. My boyfriend and I talked about whether our kids would have my name or his, because we’re cool like that except not really since we’re not married and not planning on having kids for six years if ever. We settled on his because it’s unique enough that they’d possibly be the only ones in the US – and as someone with an excessively common name, I think that’s cool. I must say I do like the idea of choosing one or the other instead of hyphenating.
As for the article, some of those comments made me gag. Like the, oh, your husband is so great for granting you permission to pass on your name, mine would never let that fly. That phrasing is so. .. ugh. There’s nothing wrong with following the traditional path and being satisfied with it. The beauty of the modern age is that non-traditional choices are possible too.
Thanks for sharing, Marielle! I love that you’ve already had that conversation. I also agree that I don’t really like the idea of hyphenating.
For me, I wouldn’t. Largely because I have/had no emotional connection to my own maiden name whatsoever, and don’t particularly want my children to be forever associated with others with the same name. My husband’s last name is more common, generic, at least in his culture, it really doesn’t mark you as being a part of his family, whereas I’ve never met a person with my maiden name who wasn’t related to me in some way. I just like his better, I’d rather be associated with my husband than associated with people who also have my maiden name.
Oh, thank you for saying this, Rachel! To be honest, I like my last name — just the actual “word” of it. But I also have similar feelings about not having an emotional connection to it or others associated with it.
My parents weren’t married when they had me and decided to hyphenate my last name. I carry both my mom’s last name and dad’s. I identify with my mom’s side of the family much more than my dad’s. That is simply because my dad’s family is in Canada and mom’s is here in Hawaii (for the most part). If I had to choose one last name, I would go with her’s; however I would never do that to my dad, especially now that he is gone.
Lastly, I can’t wait til I have one last (married) name (I can wait for the marriage part, just not having two last names). It would make life so much easier. Hyphens complicate things!!!
Are you considering children solely carrying your maiden name or carrying both names?
Interesting to read that hyphenated names complicate things. I was kind of wishing I had hyphenated mine when I got married, but maybe that would have been a problem.
When you enter your name into computer systems sometimes they ignore the hyphen and run the two last names together or there will be a space — so Last-Name would be either “lastname” or “last name”. And then when you don’t type in your last name exactly how their specific system recorded it – it can be a nuisance. And then when people ask for your last name they don’t always expect two so I usually forewarn them and just start spelling it out.
Your experience was really interesting to read, Aukele! Thanks for sharing all of that. This is a little different, but my parents are divorced and my mom, who take my dad’s last name during marriage, wasn’t sure what to do when they separated, so now she used a hyphenated version at times with both of their names. I agree, it can complicate things for sure!
I’m not really sure if I’d want my kids to have my last name. To be honest, I’m leaning more the other direction, because I like the idea of everyone having the same last name. I think that’s important to me.
On another note —- I know of a ton of instances where, if the mom hasn’t married the dad – the child will get the mom’s last name; even if the parents are together.
On this one I’d be okay with going with the norm. I like that people think outside the box but I’d feel weird doing it any other way.
I totally would, I’ve thought about this a lot. I love my last name and would totally want to keep it alive.
That’s rad! I like that you’ve thought about it. I really hadn’t until this article. Now I will!
It was an interesting article… the whole time reading it I wondered if the mother had kept her name or took her husbands. I wasn’t sure until I saw her name as the author. My biggest argument would be that I want my child to have the same name as me and my husband.
I agree with you! I like the idea of my family all using the same name to keep that “family unit” feel to things.
I wouldn’t. My maiden name is rather common, but my husband’s is unusual. I also look at it as a form of respect for my husband. I want him to be the acknowledged head of the household, even though I totally believe in woman power and own my own business and stand on my own two feet. I think women and men have such diverse superpowers that, when used correctly, can help both parties shine, so letting him be the primary “leader” and “protector” in our home is personally important to me. For me, that includes myself and our future kids being proud to own his last name. However, I have met a guy who has my maiden name (Powell) as his first name and have tossed around that idea. Your last name could also be a really cool first name. I think it’s up to the individual and the couple and I wouldn’t condemn any of my friends who do things differently than I want to. I just think it’s most important that the husband and wife are on the same page with why they are doing what they are doing. Thanks for making me think about this. 🙂
I would always give the Husband’s last name. My Husband’s mom actually hyphenated his middle name Jacob with her maiden name Hoikka. So his middle name is Joseph-Hoikka. I HATE IT! I get the meaning behind it but it’s just not my style at all.
Yeah, I’m not a big fan of hyphens either!
I never even thought of that as an option. I guess my only concern would be preparing my kids to answer a TON of questions and criticism because they’d be sure to face that. But to the families who decide to go that route, rock on.
I took my husband’s name after getting married (honestly, I still have a couple credit cards that I hardly use that I haven’t switched yet…), but only because it was really important to him that I do so. If he hadn’t cared so much, I probably would’ve kept my maiden name. But I still don’t get the argument (that I get from my husband) that “it’s important to preserve the family name.” What, and my family name isn’t worth preserving?
What’s weird, maybe, is that I’m against hyphenating names (especially if you’ve got two longer names to work with).
I’m curious, how come you think a kid would get criticism for that? I read that in the article as well — where her mom said that kids will tease them for having their mom’s last name — but it didn’t quite register with me why it’d be worth teasing over. Or maybe I just assumed most kids wouldn’t know or they’d assume it was the dad’s last name? Just curious your thoughts! 🙂
I wasn’t thinking getting teased so much as people (teachers in grade school or friends’ parents, who would quickly learn that he/she has my last name instead of dad’s) making assumptions and off-hand comments about, say, my husband and I not being married, or my husband not being the biological father. And then my kid coming home from school and asking why we’re not like “all the other families” who have the same last name.
Yup – When we got married I kept my name, and we’re giving our son (due in September) my surname rather than my husband’s. Our names are both long, and do not hyphenate or blend well *at all*. My husband has a difficult relationship with his father, and we have five nephews on his side all carrying the name on! Meanwhile, I have a much better relationship with my father and the grandfather who’s name I have, and our family is very small – no cousins, no nieces/nephews, etc. so our son will be the first of the next generation (first in 26 yrs!) to have my surname. My generation only consists of myself and my two siblings, and my sister just took her husband’s name – so any more will be up to my brother and his wife! I still think it’s odd that even my name goes back to being a male name, but in our cultures that’s the case with every family surname we can trace.
We also considered all three of us taking my husband’s stepfather’s surname as a way of honoring him (he raised my husband, was a great influence, never had his own kids); and he also considered taking my name so we’d all match! Ultimately, given my husband’s relationship with his parents, I left it up to him and for now he’s keeping his name. I was ok taking the stepfather’s name, but we were *both* pretty against myself and kiddo taking husband’s surname (inherited from absent/difficult father + heaps of nephews anyway!).
From what I can tell, there are so many blended and non-traditional families now that it’ll probably be no big deal for our kid… that’s the case where we live anyway (major urban city). I occasionally get mail for “Mrs. C” and he occasionally gets “Mr. R” – so far it mostly evens out!
Oh yeah – plus, *I’m* the one who’s pregnant and doing all the work LOL.
AND the cats ended up registered with my husband’s surname. Balance, right?
This was really interesting to read, thanks for sharing, Jen! I like how your discussion was less about tradition and more about the meaning behind the name — who is it honoring? I love that and think that’s a big piece for me in whose name to inherit.
I’m actually considering it, I have my mother’s and she has her mother’s who has her mother’s who has her father’s. Boys don’t really run in our family.
Wow, that is pretty cool to hear!
I agree with you, it’s a strange thing, at first, to take on a new last name. A family name has a lot of history behind it! In Latin culture you add his name to your last name, but that would have been 5 long names then for me! My new last name is two words being that it’s dutch!!!! So, I dropped a name, but not my family name. I never liked my middle name..awful lol! I made my maiden name my new middle name and “added” my husbands last name. For our daughter, we gave her my maiden name as her middle name as well. This made my family happy, since they were worried I wouldn’t stick with tradition and add both my husband’s and my name to her… and it kept things a bit shorter. Made everyone happy… lol! In the end, do what you’re comfortable with!
Interesting to hear how things work in your family and latin culture! Thanks for sharing, Jahaila! 🙂
This was really interesting to read! I guess I never thought about passing on my last name. Although I do think that in the end I’d go the traditional route and change my name to my husband’s if I get married and give our children his last name if I have them (and that’s a big if… as much as I like kids that I’m related to/whose parents I know, I’ve never felt the need to have my own). I love my last name, though, and it means a lot to me because I’ve always been really close to my dad and it makes me feel connected to his parents since I never met them. I also have two middle names, like my paternal grandmother, and one of them is hers. I’ve always appreciated that because I’ve always felt a strong connection to her and I think that’s why. I will publish books with my current last name, even if I don’t publish a book until after I’m married (I hope not!) so I’ve always been happy that I’ll have that as a way to keep my maiden name when I’m married.
Yes, I did it. My son carries my last name. Also, my mother gave all four of her children her last name as the middle names. I don’t see anything wrong with it, if both the parents have agreed to it.
That’s great, Luisa! I don’t see anything wrong with it either. 🙂
My father ended up with 4 daughters and no sons to carry on his name. I have always felt a strong connection to my Italian heritage and my husband did have a conversation about this when we got pregnant. We never really felt comfortable having our son bear my last name instead of his fathers so we settled on using my maiden name as his middle name with our last name. To me this is a great blend of our families together, while also creating a special memory in honor of my dad.
my male friend has his mom’s last name and his sisters have his dad’s.
I think it depends if anyone would be able to carry on the name (for me.) there are many ppl on my dad’s side to potentially carry that family name. I like putting the maiden last name as a middle name for the children. 🙂 so they are still very connected and no one loses out. (bc where do the hyphens end?!)
That’s interesting, Kristen! And I think that’s a good point about making sure there’s always someone to carry on each name.
I love my last name and would never dream of changing it. It flows of the tongue nicely and nods at my Scottish heritage. My family have 2 girls and no one else to carry on our name. My partner and I are both really stubborn and adamant that we want our last names carried on. So we’ve discussed having one child with my last name, one with his and are, as yet, undecided on the last child. I’ve subtley expressed my view to his parents and seeing as they’re very traditional they weren’t very forthcoming. He sometimes gets upset about it because he feels like I don’t want to be a part of his family but it’s really more because I still want to be part of mine. I’m also the first person in his life to ever say I will not be accepting the tradition. He’s definitely worried about how other people will view them having different last names in the same family, but I sometimes think that’s his own insecurity about the arrangement coming through. This was the best we could do to compromise.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Kirsty. I hope that your partner will eventually be able to embrace the idea that you keeping your last name is your choice and that it doesn’t matter what other people think. I think that’s a fair compromise that you’ve come up with and I hope it all works out for the best 🙂
I’m so lucky I’m Italian so it’s illegal for me to change my name
Oh I didn’t know that! Thanks for sharing, Morgan. 🙂
Hi Melyssa! So first, let me just tell you how much I love your blog! I’m about to launch my blog in a month or so, but while browsing, I came across this post and couldn’t help but want to comment! So, both of my kids have both mine and my ex’s last name. We weren’t actually married when I had both of them, but I really like my last name as well, but Hernandez doesn’t sound good as a middle name (besides, my son’s middle name is after my grandpa and my daughter’s middle name is after my mom’s middle name. Yes, I’m selfish, but he was ok with that!). Anyway, my ex’s brother has a son who will carry on his family’s last name. I have my mom’s maiden name, but out of all of my family, I am the only one who can pass down my grandfather’s name. And so, my son wants to drop his dad’s name so he can carry on my grandpa’s name. He’s only 13 now, but he is very adamant (and proud) to be the one to carry it on. And for some reason, his dad is ok with that. I guess I got lucky and never had an argument over it.